Aftermarket Tuners

In times as tumultuous as these, we’d be shocked, to say the very least, if the majority of statisticians didn’t report a noticable uptick in bank heist attempts over the past couple years. And while we obviously don’t endorse criminal activity of any variety, we can’t help wondering if there is such a thing as the perfect getaway car for such a task. Thankfully, it turns out we aren’t the only ones suffering from this perverse curiousity. In fact, the German hoons at GRIP were very, very interested in answering this question.

How do we know this? Well, for starters it appears they commendeered a disused military base complete with town-like sections of buildings and streets to test a vehicle’s agility, plus some long, wide runways for high speed running. Secondly, they’ve assembled a superstar collection of getaway vehicles (tuned models from Audi, Dodge and Porsche), plus one very special police car with which to play the game of cops & robbers about which young gearheads can only dream. So grab some poppin’ corn and make the jump for the video and an explanation of what’s going on, since all the dialogue is auf Deutsch. (Our friends who took Spanish instead in high school are totally jealous right now...maybe.)

Mercedes-Benz’s SL65 AMG Black Series is, let’s face it, already 58 kinds of bat guano. With 670hp, 738 lb.-ft of torque, flared fenders to accommodate larger rolling stock and a fixed roof to improve chassis rigidity, it’s the automotive equivalent of someone who really should be fitted for a straitjacket. But what if that’s not bonkers enough for you? What if you want the automotive equivalent of someone who ought to be strapped in bed and on a slow drip of heavy sedatives?

German tuner MKB may just have something that fits the bill in the form of the P1000. This little number is based on the aforementioned SL65 AMG Black Series, but has been fitted with some enhancements that up the lunacy quotient. The most attention-getting of these upgrades, naturally, lie under the big white hood, and pump the 6.0L twin-turbo V12 up to a just-this-side-of-adequate 1,015hp. How’d they get that kind of number? Make like the readouts on the dyno and jump!

The Ferrari California is, like any model to emerge from the Maranello plant since, say, the shiver-worthy 348, a brilliant car. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact that the latest “starter Ferrari” was practically born to be purchased by rodent-sized-canine-owning celebrities who neither know nor care about the car’s thousands of engineering man-hours or the storied marque’s extensive competition record both past and present. (“Fernando Alonso? He’s, like, an opera singer, right?”)

This pre-installed stigma is bad juju for types of true enthusiasts who would buy this car. You know, the folks who wake up at stupid o’clock in the morning to watch Formula 1 live on Speed and can appreciate technology like the direct-injected 4.3L V8 and available 7-speed double-clutch transmission, because the gearhead of lesser means who sees them cruising down the street will tend to assume the person behind the wheel thinks "Imola" is the name of a meat-borne pathogen and merely bought a California because it’s a convertible and it has a back seat on which to place the pet carrier of Aphrodite, their Mexican Hairless.

Many, many inches of headline are dedicated to the battle for the title of fastest street-legal production car. For the better part of a decade, the McLaren F1 had a chokehold on the record. Then the Bugatti Veyron came along and bumped the number higher, only to be usurped by the red, white and blew-by-you SSC Ultimate Aero. Now the top spot is held by Bugatti once more, thanks to the Veyron Super Sport, though Shelby Supercars and Koenigsegg both claim they’ll have new challengers ready shortly.

Unfortunately, the near-constant one-upsmanship in the quest for the overall fastest street car mark has pushed other similar races to the sidelines, namely the battle for the fastest sedan in the world. After all, who doesn’t love the thought of blasting down the Autobahn with three or four of your closest friends with Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” filling the cabin? Probably people who aren’t cool enough to be reading this site and would probably find NPR.org more their speed. Anyway, the latest four-door that is staking a claim to the mantle of fastest of the breed is German tuner G-Power’s current reimagining of the outgoing E60 generation BMW M5, the Hurricane RR.

Of all the American automotive nameplates to be scrapped within the last 10 years, most people will probably tell you the saddest loss is that of Pontiac. (We were always fond of Oldsmobile, but that’s a screed for another day.) The 'Building Excitement' brand’s execution was particularly galling as it was announced just as Chevrolet’s reborn Camaro was rolling into showrooms, nixing any chances of a corresponding fifth generation Firebird and Trans Am.

Thankfully, smaller tuning firms are willing to keep the spirits of The Bandit’s ‘stache and Jim Rockford’s J-turns alive for a new generation of muscle car buffs by outfitting Chevy’s reanimated pony car with styling cues worthy of Ye Olde Screaming Chicken. Of course, the badges and nomenclature are absent for legal reasons (We’ll leave the implications of GM’s current quasi-nationalized state on the possibilities of suing cottage industry to the imagination.), but one look at such creations and you’ll reflexively begin whistling “East Bound and Down” in no time. The newest such tribute comes out of the shops of Classic Design Concepts, and is called the FireBreather.

I don't know what horrible thing happened in Tym Switzer's early life, but apparently it had something to do with Bugatti. Maybe, one hot July day a young Tym was walking down the street, holding a brand new, frosty ice cream cone. He hadn't even had a bite yet. He was just staring at it in wonder the way kids do when they're so happy and excited they can't even function. And then a bully named Franz-Josef Paefgen popped out from behind the bushes and after a brutal attack using noogies and wedgies, walked off with Tym's ice cream.

That bully grew up to be the CEO of Bugatti. If I learned anything from Lethal Weapon it was, "Don't get mad, get even." With the new 1000hp Switzer Nissan GTR R1K, that's exactly what Tym is doing. Make the jump to see the stats and watch the testing videos. Can you say "Rolling AWD burnout."? I thought you could.

The percentage of roadgoing automobiles in the world packing in excess of 700hp is, not surprisingly, quite tiny. The biggest chunk of that slice of the vehicular population is comprised of purpose-built supercars, with the occasional late-model or classic muscle car or super-tuned Japanese sportscar thrown in for good measure. Compact hatchbacks? Even fewer and farther between, but that hasn’t stopped German tuner MTE.

You see, a few years ago the company got its collective hands on the Mk. 4 Volkswagen Golf R32 you see here. While the Porsche-look alloys and so-inconspicuous-it’s-conspicuous camoflage livery are the most obvious deviations from stock, the real news was under the hood, where the addition of two Garrett turbochargers and other go-fast hardware and software upped the 3.2L VR6’s output from 240hp to 730hp. This would be a recipie for wrist-snapping torquesteer on most hot hatches, but since both generations of R32 were all-wheel-drive, putting the power down wasn’t such a huge problem. Want proof? Hit the jump to see this bad boy pedaled up to over 190 mph on the Autobahn.

Switzer Performance has been pushing the limits of what's possible in 996 Porsche Turbos for some time now, so when the 997 rolled out, naturally we expected more of the same. The twin-turbo flat six is an amazing engine, and benefits from mods the way Bruce Banner's body does radiation. But they ran into a problem when they installed their P800 kit on cars equipped with the Tiptronic transmission. While the Porsche Tiptronic internals easily handled the 700 horsepower from Switzer's P700 kit, the P800 proved to be too much, causing slipping and transmission damage.

Shame on Porsche for not giving customers a transmission that can withstand the force of two asteroids colliding. Right. Their fault. Tym Switzer wasn't going to let a little thing like that stop his orphan-saving customers from reaching their horsepower dreams though. So they fixed the problem. Introducing the Switzer 997 Turbo P800 Tiptronic upgrade. The resulting acceleration will tear your ears off.